Stan Lightfoot is the perfect paparazzo. His dog, Bloody, can track down anybody, anywhere, which comes in handy whenever a celebrity involved in a juicy scandal tries to avoid public attention. He’s about to get the perfect picture—a real privacy-invading winner—when he runs into a vampire who ruins his life.
From the dark and vulgar mind of Phronk—author of Baboon Fart Story—splashes a neo-vampire trip through nightmare America, full of mind-numbing romantic comedies, a Wal-Mart in every town, celebrities, and other soulless monstrosities.
When the vampire reveals a movie star crush of her own, Stan finds a way to keep her from eating him. Helping a murderer screw a movie star wasn’t exactly what Stan had in mind when he got into photography, but it’ll buy him a few days. Can he find a way to escape a creature with god-like power before she reaches her destination?
He paused outside his apartment. He could hear Bloody sniffing at the other side of the door. “It’s kind of a mess in there.”
“Oh!” she said. “Oh, no worries, hun. I can’t very well judge you; you’ve already outed me as a crazy ninny who obsesses over a celebrity.”
“Guess we’re not so different then. Hey thanks for telling me all that, even though you already knew, you know, what I do for a living.”
He got out his keys. His hands were shaking. He hadn’t been with a woman in a long time, and she seemed to be—what? Flirting? He couldn’t really be sure what was going on in her head.
She smiled at him. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, tried to smile back, then turned to unlock the door. It took a few tries to get the trembling key in the lock. “You know, I wasn’t sure what to make of you at first,” he babbled. “Kinda thought you might even be, you know, dangerous.”
“Oh, honey,” she said, her breath on his neck. “Dangerous doesn’t even begin to describe me.”
He turned his head. Those eyes, those lips, they were inches from his.
Suddenly, she tossed her purse halfway down the hallway.
“Why did you—” he began.
“It’s Michael Kors. Don’t want to get blood on it.”
Phronk writes a lot of odd things, actually. He wrote a PhD dissertation about the psychology of horror films. He gets paid to write about technology and abuse words like “synergy,” “leverage,” and “utilize.” Buy enough of his novels and he’ll stop inflicting that on the world.
Phronk also wrote Baboon Fart Story, an experiment in publishing. Here is some nice stuff that famous people sarcastically said about Baboon Fart Story:
“Its artistry in the face of ‘normality’ is awe-inspiring.” — Alan Baxter
“Arguably the highest achievement of humanity. […] A bot could not have done a better job!” — John Scalzi
“Let’s just say I like the idea of self-publishing even less now.” — Adam Christopher
“A master of modern Dadaism.” — Daniel Abraham
Phronk is also the creator of Putting Weird Things in Coffee, which is a blog about putting weird things in coffee.
He has four nipples and doesn't care about fonts.