Here is another in our series of occasional guest blogs by A.E. Williams, author of Rocket Surgeon and Terminal Reset, amongst many other things, whose newly-released collection we featured on October 14th.
When I made my Predictions earlier this
year, I was of course confident that I was, as usual, correct and would find
them vindicated easily.
What I hadn’t foreseen was just how accurate
I was going to be!
Take a look:
TECHNOLOGY
PREDICTION ONE: þ
Intel will perfect a super-dense, 3D
substrate for transistor manufacturing. This will pave the path for true AI.
New Neopet app was launched this year.
While there was not a real fire, the
Trump China tariffs are a dumpster fire, causing similar havoc in the RAM
market. So, I am calling this a win.
Christmas isn’t here as yet, so we will
have to see what will become of “the ensuing chaos will make Venezuela’s
troubles seem insignificant by comparison” bit.
POLITICS
PREDICTION TWO: þ
Trump’s Wall will be funded so hard, it
will be able to be made of solid gold.
PREDICTION THREE: þ
President Donald J. Trump will
successfully mount a re-election campaign that guarantees his second term. Near
the end of that term, the 25th Amendment will be repealed.
The next thing that will happen is that Trump will follow in the footsteps of
Mad Vlad Putin and Xi of China.
Due to his recent medical incidents, Bernie
Sanders is out.
Elizabeth Warren is unelectable, imho,
so the only chance is for a Hillary/Biden ticket…
Which will LOSE… because TWO TIMES NOW,
the American public has not chosen a mature, white woman to become a President.
And, it sure as hell won’t start now.
PREDICTION FOUR: þ
Hillary Clinton’s emails will finally be
revealed to be 30,000 recipes for borsht and perogies. Embarrassed FBI agents
will be forced to admit that this was known all along, but thought to be
steganographically-encrypted nuclear launch codes.
Yeah, they are most likely launch codes…
PREDICTION FIVE: þ
The rest of the JFK files that the CIA
has promised to release will mysteriously vanish. Rumor will have it that the
Russians hacked their servers.
I am calling this a win…
DEATHS
PREDICTION SIX: þ
Everyone who dies in 2019 will do so by
finally embracing Camus’ view of absurdism, and a rash of really stupid ways to
expire will hit the news.
Examples include:
1) Being
sat on by elephants
2) Eaten
by pet geckos
3 ) Walking
under falling planes.
Also, 3) –
And, for your consideration, vis-à-vis
Camus:
PREDICTION SEVEN: þ
A lot of people will fall from cruise
ships after a design flaw is discovered, in that these ships all require
dihydrogen monoxide to float.
Al Gore will become suitably incensed,
and a new film will be released in November, initially titled “An Inconvenient Truth: Return to Terabithia.”
Audience test-screenings will cause it to be renamed “Overboard.” “Mad as Hell”
A new tax credit scheme, the “H2O Offset
Credit” will be collected to stem the tide of awkward demises.
PREDICTION EIGHT: þ
A new pandemic of flu will become the
Spanish flu all over again.
Fortunately,
it will be confined to the poor, so no one will notice.
QUOTE FROM ARTICLE:
"Because most of the world does not have
access to the same level of prevention and medical care as developed countries,
the greatest burden of any influenza pandemic can be expected to effect those least privileged,”
researchers wrote in the journal
of the Society of Critical Care Medicine.
SPACE
PREDICTION NINE: þ
Many people will die of boredom,
when lithium is depleted by Elon Musk
for use in the BFER, an ion-propulsion starship, which is the logical successor
to his Mars initiative.
ELON MUSK LAUGHS IN BOND VILLAIN!
Musk will hollow-out Phobos, and adapt
it into a generation ship.
Oops. I guess he will just have to
re-purpose it…
PREDICTION TEN: þ
After travelling for FORTY-TWO years
through our solar system, Voyager One will come into contact with a paranoid,
depressed alien space probe. Hilarity will ensue…
A touching homage to Voyager, by Ann
Druyan.
HUMAN INTEREST
PREDICTION ELEVEN: þ
Humans will remain interested in small,
glowing silica-glass and carbon-fiber devices, being charged exorbitant fees
for the privilege of being entertained as they travel through absurdist
fantasies, pitifully attempting to stave off their inevitable doom.
PREDICTION TWELVE: þ
Star-struck entertainment enthusiasts
will go supernova when Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye announce they are
getting married in zero-gee,
primarily for tax purposes. Astronomers and television executive pairings will
then become a ‘thing.’
SCIENCE and CLIMATE
PREDICTION THIRTEEN: ý
A huge asteroid will hit Krakatoa. The
resulting explosion will undo the Fujiyama disaster radiation problem, by
creating massive tsunamis that force the radioactive particles to the sea
floor.
Well, to be honest, the year isn’t over
– YET…
PREDICTION FOURTEEN: þ
Microsoft and Wells Fargo will embark on
a plan to take over the cryptocurrency markets, using submerged server farms
for bitcoin mining. This will be discovered to have been going on for the last
several years, and Microsoft and Wells Fargo will be blamed as the real reason
for climate change.
You may need to connect some dots, or
read between the lines for this one.
PREDICTION FIFTEEN: þ
Windows 12 will come out, and all the
people on Earth will be retroactively billed for the amount of $349.99 to pay
for it.
I am counting this as a win.
Reason One: Microsoft changing the version number process was an unforeseen, but totally inevitable betrayal on their part.
Reason Two:
Have you seen the pricing models for Office recently? Subscription services,
baby!
PREDICTION SIXTEEN: þ
The Moon will be named as the fourth
planet. Titan, Europa, Ceres and a dozen other celestial bodies will be
inducted as planets as well.
Pluto will still not be considered,
primarily because of interorganizational snits between the Society.
You know, every once in a while, I
suggest something whimsical, to spice things up.
Then, THIS happens:
PREDICTION SEVENTEEN: þ
Effects from The Wave become evident!
A
SPOOKY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM
As promised,
here is a scary story about our weird world!
Now, I don’t
want to leave you upset or anything about impending nuclear doom, (since we are
all going to apparently be dead
in ten years from Climate Change™ anyway.)
But, let’s
realistically assess:
1)
The likelihood of a nuclear terrorist act:
Pretty much ZERO chance.
2)
An all-out nuclear global war:
Also, pretty much ZERO chance.
Now, given my
admirable track record of Predictions, you might question why I make these two
statements so conclusively.
One, I am
conclusively stating that there is a MINIMAL chance, not no chance. So, even if
I lose, I win! See?
Two, nuclear
weapons aren’t just lying around, you know? There are many, many safeguards
that will alert authorities to errant nukes, and finding one isn’t all that
easy.
Three, there
has been a ongoing crusade for eliminating nuclear weapons, almost since the
day they were invented.
It would be
foolish to ignore the dangers posed by unfettered access to nuclear weapons by
the unhinged or ideologically challenged, but, as we have seen, this kind of
thing is rare in today’s complex world of politics.
So, don’t
worry!
A.E. Williams
High Springs, Florida
October 15, 2019
Personally, I am stocking up on ammo…
Which made Geraldine Ferraro and Sarah
Palin very sad…
I think she
qualifies as an alien, having been married to Carl Sagan. Also, you might have to sign up
to read the whole thing. Go ahead! It’s National Geographic!
