To start the New Year with a bang, here is one of our occasional essays from the redoubtable A.E.Williams, wit, Rocket Surgeon and contrarian. All views are, of course, the writer's own, but we hope you'll find them amusing and thought-provoking) or possibly terrifying)!
SIXTEEN SEVENTEEN Predictions
for 2019
Speculative fiction is at its best when
the scenarios that are envisioned actually come to pass, within the lifespan of
an average human being.[1]
With the realization that The Wave is currently enveloping Earth[2], that
a huge cloud of interstellar dust is the actual reason for climate change[3],
and the launch of the Falcon Heavy a reality[4],
it is becoming speculated by some that I am a time-traveler, prescient[5],
an alien[6] or
at least really, really good at guessing what will happen in the near future.
In keeping with that tradition, I will
continue to add to my impressive record by setting forth ten sixteen
seventeen predictions for 2019. Whether or not all will come to pass is of
course, unknown at this point in 2019. By the time this sees print, some may
already have occurred.
So, let’s see how the future is shaping
up, shall we?
TECHNOLOGY
PREDICTION ONE:
Intel will perfect a super-dense, 3D
substrate for transistor manufacturing. This will pave the path for true AI.
Unfortunately, another suspicious factory fire will reduce the world’s supply
of RAM, thereby making the neo Neopet, (think a virtual Pokémon, but one that
is alive, sort of), a fad just in time for Christmas. The ensuing chaos will
make Venezuela’s troubles seem insignificant by comparison.
POLITICS
PREDICTION TWO:
Trump’s Wall will be funded so hard, it
will be able to be made of solid gold.[7]
PREDICTION THREE:
President Donald J. Trump will
successfully mount a re-election campaign that guarantees his second term. Near
the end of that term, the 25th Amendment will be repealed. The next
thing that will happen is that Trump will follow in the footsteps of Mad Vlad
Putin and Xi of China.
PREDICTION FOUR:
Hillary Clinton’s emails will finally be
revealed to be 30,000 recipes for borscht and perogies[8].
Embarrassed FBI agents will be forced to admit that this was known all along,
but thought to be steganographically-encrypted nuclear launch codes.
PREDICTION FIVE:
The rest of the JFK files that the CIA
has promised to release will mysteriously vanish. Rumor will have it that the
Russians hacked their servers.
DEATHS
PREDICTION SIX:
Everyone who dies in 2019 will do so by
finally embracing Camus’ view of absurdism, and a rash of really stupid ways to
expire will hit the news. Examples include being sat on by elephants, eaten by
pet geckos, and walking under falling planes.[9]
PREDICTION SEVEN:
A lot of people will fall from cruise
ships after a design flaw is discovered, in that these ships all require
dihydrogen monoxide to float.
Al Gore will become suitably incensed,
and a new film will be released in November, initially titled “An Inconvenient Truth: Return to Terabithia.”
Audience test-screenings will cause it to be renamed “Overboard.” A new tax credit scheme, the “H2O Offset Credit” will
be collected to stem the tide of awkward demises.[10]
PREDICTION EIGHT:
A new pandemic of flu will become the
Spanish flu all over again. Fortunately, it will be confined to the poor, so no
one will notice.[11]
FIGURE
ONE: SOURCE
SPACE
PREDICTION NINE:
Many people will die of boredom, when
lithium is depleted by Elon Musk for use in the BFER, an ion-propulsion starship,
which is the logical successor to his Mars initiative. Musk will hollow-out
Phobos, and adapt it into a generation ship.[12]
PREDICTION TEN:
After travelling for FORTY-TWO years
through our solar system, Voyager One will come into contact with a paranoid,
depressed alien space probe. Hilarity will ensue…
HUMAN INTEREST
PREDICTION ELEVEN:
Humans will remain interested in small,
glowing silica-glass and carbon-fiber devices, being charged exorbitant fees
for the privilege of being entertained as they travel through absurdist
fantasies, pitifully attempting to stave off their inevitable doom.
PREDICTION TWELVE:
Star-struck entertainment enthusiasts
will go supernova when Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye announce they are
getting married in zero-gee, primarily for tax purposes. Astronomers and
television executive pairings will then become a ‘thing.’[13]
SCIENCE and CLIMATE
PREDICTION THIRTEEN:
A huge asteroid will hit Krakatoa. The
resulting explosion will undo the Fujiyama disaster radiation problem, by
creating massive tsunamis that force the radioactive particles to the sea
floor.[14]
PREDICTION FOURTEEN:
Microsoft and Wells Fargo will embark on
a plan to take over the cryptocurrency markets, using submerged server farms
for bitcoin mining. This will be discovered to have been going on for the last
several years, and Microsoft and Wells Fargo will be blamed as the real reason
for climate change.
PREDICTION FIFTEEN:
Windows 12 will come out, and all the
people on Earth will be retroactively billed for the amount of $349.99 to pay
for it.[15]
PREDICTION SIXTEEN:
The Moon will be named as the fourth
planet. Titan, Europa, Ceres and a dozen other celestial bodies will be
inducted as planets as well. Pluto will still not be considered, primarily
because of interorganizational snits between the Society.
Elementary school teachers will go mad
trying to keep track, and mnemonic phrases will become mnemonic paragraphs. The
most entertaining and memorable one will be:
So, maybe vertical ears might compose excellent
methods due in June ecliptic solstice to unusual nocturnal umbrella eaters[16].
PREDICTION SEVENTEEN:
Effects from The Wave become evident![17]
COMING
SOON:
This year promises more excitement than
ever!
We will get plunge deep into to the
fascinating world of science and technology advances and discoveries!
Get ready to fall deep into virtual
intellectual rabbit holes all across the space-time topological map, with the
long-promised and eagerly awaited articles on Sci-Fi Weapons, Undersea
Cities and Bovine Flatulence!
A.E. Williams
High Springs, Florida
January 1, 2019
[1] It probably easily falls within the lifespan of a typical alien, of
course.
[3] Source: https://oilprice.com/The-Environment/Global-Warming/Interstellar-Energy-Cloud-May-Be-As-Much-To-Blame-For-Climate-Change-As-CO2-Emissions.html
[4] Source: https://youtu.be/bp7O4UuBXLg
[5] Check out www.terminalreset.com
for the stunning accuracy of many of my predictions!
[6] My personal favorite!
[7] It is to be noted that the funding will come from the rest of the
world, and the Wall will keep Americans IN.
[8] The main ingredient in all of them is vodka.
[9][9] An unfortunate pilot will be crushed in a freak accident where the
landing gear collapses during a pre-flight inspection. Details on which airline
is involved are hazy.
[10] Mr. Gore will fall under much criticism for the discovery of his
company which retrofits supertankers, converting them to high-end luxury
liners. He also will begin wearing an eye-patch, misattributed to his affection
for Nick Fury.
[11] This was slated to occur this year, the one-hundred-year
anniversary of the Spanish Flu pandemic. In fact, this did occur! However, it
was not reported in the Mainstream Media on the off chance that it would be
labeled as ‘fake news.’ Look
it up!
[12] Deimos is already an alien battlestar base, as documented in my
short-story “Return of the Wanderers.”
[13] Parenthetically, both persons identify as males, with the newly
recognized genders of ‘nerd’ and ‘geek’.
[14] There is a possibility that kaiju will come from the Marianas
Trench, but the outlook is fuzzy on this.
[15] BONUS PREDICTION: The amount of money that Bill Gates receives as a
result will form a black hole as it collapses under its own weight. Bits and
bytes DO have mass! The world economies follow suit shortly thereafter.
President Trump will brag that his wallet has the “biggest black hole.” Few would
disagree…
[16] Sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Moon, Ceres, Eros, Mars, Deimos*, Io,
Jupiter, Europa, Saturn, Titan, Uranus, Neptune, Ultima Thule
[17] It’s already here! Read all about it in TERMINAL
RESET! Do you feel younger yet?
About A.E. Williams:
A.E. Williams has a unique background of military experience, aerospace engineering and intelligence analysis.
Born near Pittsburgh, A.E. Williams is man of a mystery. As a young man, Williams served the United States government in various capacities, which he then followed with ten years as an outfitter. Williams finally retired and moved down to rural central Florida, where he ran a medium - sized tilapia farm. He did his writing at night, usually accompanied by a bottle of Maker's Mark bourbon and a large supply of Classic Dr. Pepper and ice.
A.E. Williams is the author of the exciting hard science fiction series Terminal Reset, which is about the effects of a mysterious force from billions of miles away from Earth that was formed millions of years ago. When The Wave strikes, everything changes!
